She's gone
by mewasuka
Summary: The bonus chapter from Ian's point of view. What did Ian do, think and feel when he discovered that the person he loved were no longer there?


I do not own Ian- uh... I mean. I don't own The Host!

The bonus chapter in the paperback edition of The Host contained an extra chapter where Melanie woke up and discovered that Wanda was gone.  
We never got to know what Ian felt and thought, so I decided to write about the same moment but from Ian's point of view.  
What Ian did and thought when he discovered that Wanda was no longer there. And yes, it does contain most of the real dialogues in the chapter!

* * *

A warm beam of sunlight in my left eye woke me up. I didn't dare open my eyes just yet, groaning and covering my eyes with my hands, shying away from the brightness. I yawned and turned over to my side, reaching for Wanda, but my searching hands found nothing but the soft, cold covers on top of the cot right next to me. My eyes flung open in an instant. Sitting up with a jolt and rubbing the sleep and grit away from my eyes, I blinked and slowly realized that the cot next to me was empty. Feeling uneasy, I frowned and jumped to my feet abruptly, making my way to the kitchen. _Maybe she woke early to help out with breakfast_, I thought. I shook my head and snorted, that would be something Wanda would do. As I entered the bright room, I squinted and covered my eyes. My smile dropped quickly as my eyes adjusted to the light.

It was bright, brighter than most of the other rooms in the caves, and I could see everybody clearly. When my eyes didn't find the face I was searching for, I felt my stomach drop. I shook myself mentally, turned around and made my way through the southern tunnel. _Maybe she's taking a bath. Maybe she's helping out on the field. Maybe..._ The uneasiness grew stronger and my strider quicker. Wanda wouldn't do anything without telling me, right? But I couldn't drop the weird feeling in my stomach.

I turned the corner around the bright plaza and I that was when I bumped into her. Relief washed over me, and I felt pretty stupid for worrying so much. I smiled at her and...

I yanked my hands back, as if her arms were venomous snakes that had tried to bite me. Surprised, she fell to her butt, and after what felt like an eternity, she rose again, slowly and silently. My smile was frozen in place and I took one step away from her.

We just kept standing like that, staring at each other in silence. She looked exactly the same, but I knew better. As soon as the light from the bright plaza had hit her face, I knew. The girl who was standing in front of me wasn't Wanda. It was Melanie.

"She's fine. She's in a tank. We'll get her a body. She'll be fine. Fine. She's fine." Melanie blurted. Her voice was so much like when Wanda had first arrived here: weak, trembling, nothing but a whisper. The muscles in my face relaxed, but I didn't say anything. Wanda was safe. That was the only thing that mattered right now.

Thoughts were spinning around in my head as we continued to stare at each other. I saw her reaching towards me, but she dropped her hands again. I did the same. I tried to sort my thoughts out, but I was unsuccessful. Why? That was the question that kept repeating itself in my head. Why? Surely, the hurt and confusion I felt inside was visible in my eyes, because Melanie looked away hastily and spoke again, clearly trying anything to comfort me and make me feel better.

"Do you want to... go to her?" She offered hesitantly. "She's with Doc." She nodded her head slightly towards the southern tunnel. When I didn't answer, she started walking, turning around after a couple of steps. A few seconds of hesitation later I followed her with jerky movements. It got darker and darker as we walked deeper into the tunnel, and after a while I couldn't make out her features anymore. The only thing that proved she was still there was the steady sound of her footsteps.

"I couldn't stop her." Melanie suddenly broke the silence.

I didn't answer her at first. Had she really wanted to? Wasn't this what she had wanted - getting her body back? Getting Jared and Jamie back? A fear heartbeats later, I cleared my throat and finally answered her question.

"Did you want to?" My voice cracked, as if I hadn't spoken for a long time. I swallowed loudly.

"Yes."

I frowned slightly, but I knew she couldn't see me in the darkness. We walked a few more minutes in silence before I opened my mouth again, voicing the question that I had been asking myself ever since I had bumped into Melanie.

"Why?"

"Because she... is my best friend." Suddenly, I felt ashamed for thinking that Melanie didn't care about Wanda. They had spent so much time together, sharing thoughts and feelings with each other. Thoughts and feelings they didn't share with anybody else. Only the two of them. My voice was calmer, softer when I spoke again.

"I wondered about that."

She didn't say anything, probably waiting for me to explain. "I wondered if anyone who really knew her could not love her. You knew her every thought." What I really wondered was whether Melanie did love her, and she seemed to understand the question I never asked.

"Yes. I love her." She whispered, and Iknew she was telling the truth. But did she love her more than she wished to get her body back? More than she wished to get the people she loved back? To be able to live her own life again?

"But you must have wanted you body back?"

"Not if it meant losing Wanda." I nodded silently. My steps became faster and heavier, and I could hear Melanie struggling to keep up with me. Wanda would not leave us.

"She's not leaving this planet." I growled.

"That was never her intention. She was making that part up, so you all wouldn't argue with her. She wanted to stay here... She planned to, well, be buried here. With Walter and Wes."

I stopped in my tracks, staring ahead in the darkness. My body froze once again, the world around me spinning. I felt sick. Wanda would have left this world, without one last word to me. Furious, hurt tears burned my eyes, but I blinked them away with effort, effectively creating a lump in my throat instead. How could she do that to me?

Melanie said something, probably trying to explain, but I didn't listen. Didn't care. Another question kept echoing in my head until I voiced it out loud.

"How could she think of doing that to me?"

"No. It wasn't like that. She felt like she would be hurting you more if she stayed here... in this body." She murmured softly.

I shook my head in the darkness. I never thought that it would be possible for me to be mad at Wanda, but I was. I was positively furious. "That's ridiculous. How could she want to die rather than leave?"

"She loves it here. She doesn't want to live anywhere else."

"I never thought of her as such a quitter."

"She's not." Melanie snapped, but then her voice softened again. "Wanda... She thinks she's tired of being a parasite, but I think she was just plain tired. She was so worn out, Ian. More than she let anyone see. Losing Wes like that... It was a lot for her. She blamed herself-"

"But she didn't have anything to do with-" I cut her off, but she cut me back off before I had the chance to say anything else.

"Try telling her that!" She yelled and then took a deep breath before continuing. "Then having to face the Seeker. It was tougher than you know. But more than any of that, loving you while... loving Jared. Loving Jamie and thinking he needed me more. Loving me. Feeling like she was hurting us all just by breathing. I don't think you can understand what that was like for her, because you're human. You can't imagine how she... she..." Her voice faded away. She was right. Of course she was. I shouldn't be mad at Wanda. She had been through so much, more than we could ever understand, and I was wrong for feeling mad at her. I wasn't a person to hold on to anger, after all. Running a hang over my face, I took a deep breath, calming myself.

"I think I know what you mean."

"So she really needed a break, but she got all - all melodramatic about it. And I thought I couldn't save her." Melanie continued. "I didn't know Jared was following us."

I sighed. "Jared caught on, but I missed it."

"Jared's just overly cautious. Always. He goes overboard. Way, way overboard."

I nodded to myself again. "But he was right." For once in my life, I was grateful that Jared had been there.

"Yes. Paranoia comes in handy sometimes."

I didn't respond, and we walked quietly for a few minutes. I kept imagining Wanda getting a new body, wondering what she would say when she woke up. Would she still feel the same way about us? Would she be angry? This thought made me feel uneasy, and when I couldn't let it go I decided to ask Melanie about it.

"Do you think she'll be angry with us when she wakes up?"

Melanie snorted. "Wanda, angry? Please."

Yeah, maybe not. It was practically impossible for Wanda to be mad at somebody, but I've seen her happy... and unhappy too. I lowered my voice to a whisper. "Unhappy, then?"

"She'll be fine."

I wanted to believe that very, very badly. I wanted to believe that she would be happy to see us, to see me. I hoped that she would still love us the way she did when she was in Melanie's body.

"What you said before, about her loving you, and Jamie, and Jared... and me." I stopped and waited for her answer.

"Yes?"

"Do you really think she does love me, or was she just responding to the fact that I love her? Wanting to make me happy?" She hesitated and I decided to continue. "I'm only asking because I don't want to be a... a burden when she wakes up. Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I want the truth." I bit my lip, anxiously waiting for Melanie's answer.

"It's not your feelings I'm worried about. I'm just trying to think of a right way to describe it. I've been... not entirely human for the past year, so I get it, but I'm not sure you do."

"Try me." I almost smiled. This was a good beginning, I thought.

"It's strong, Ian. The way she feels about you is something else. She loves this world. But so much of the reason she couldn't leave was really you. She thinks of you as her anchor. You gave her a reason to finally stay in one place after a lifetime of wandering."

Overwhelmed, I found myself unable to reply. I opened and closed my mouth, desperately trying to get rid of the lump in my throat preventing me from answering. I swallowed loudly and took a raspy breath before attempting to find my voice once again.

"Then that's all right."

"Yes."

We walked in silence after that, and it wasn't uncomfortable this time. I found myself thinking about Wanda, and the moment she would open her eyes again. I didn't care what her body would look like, I just wanted her to be happy in it. "Don't rush." I stated after a while.

"What?"

A dull light illuminated the end of the tunnel, not so far away now. I was getting closer and closer to Wanda with every step. My heart fluttered.

"When you go to find her a body. Take your time. Make sure you find one she'll be happy in. I can wait."

It was getting brighter, and I could see her looking up at me from the corner of my eyes. She furrowed her brows in confusion. "Won't you be coming with us?"

I shook my head as I walked up to the entrance of the hospital. "I don't really care about that part. You know what she needs. And I'd rather be here with her."

We entered the bright room together, squinting against the light. Jared was leaning against the cot where Wanda's tank was sitting, jumping to his feet the moment he caught sight of us. Everything around me disappeared. All I could see was the shiny metal of the cryotank, just out of reach. Moving faster than I had ever before, I crossed the distance between me and the cot and lifted the tank as carefully as I could, hugging it tightly to my chest. A heavy breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding escaped through my lips, taking every single hint of confusion, hurt and anger along with it, replacing them with relief, happiness and hope.

Because with Wanda by my side, I knew that everything was going to be all right.

Everything.


End file.
